Category Archives: Life

I’m sitting in the corner

of my new room, in my new apartment. I’ve slept the last few days on an inflatable camping pad, in my lighter-weight sleeping bag as I haven’t had the chance to move my bed over here yet.

The old apartment is getting stupidly hot again, the new place has AC. Overall the place is bigger, but I have roommates and a smaller amount of space to myself. I think I need to take this opportunity to shed yet more useless shit. I think I need to embrace the hobo life. I’ve been freeing myself of desire, now I need to free myself of stuff.

There are currently, in my room, two guitars, two pillows, some clothes, my alarm clock, my humidor, and my pipes. That’s pretty much it. Oddly enough, I can’t say as I’m really missing the stuff that’s over at the old place, it’s just weighing heavy on me as I know I need to move it all soon. The idea of paying to store it is becoming more revolting the longer I think about it.

Time to start harassing people to take my excess crap, I think.

My god, it’s full of

useless shit.

My days, that is. It seems I can lose entire mornings, afternoons, evenings, weekends to activities I really should know better than even starting. The problem is the guilty satisfaction I get from incessantly reloading fark and reading the comments. It’s a nasty habit I picked up on slashdot (though it’s usually worth it there) and it’s why I left digg. I now incessantly refresh fark and read the comments there as well. Usually it pays off but without the moderation system of slashdot you have to sift through a lot of chaff on fark. I lose an incredible amount of time to that sit, time that would be better spent doing a great many other things. Like sleeping. Or cooking. Or fixing my body. Or fixing my mind. Any of the outstanding projects I have could benefit from an influx of time.

The problem is this behavior I want to stop is so rewarding. Horrific puns, rare insight, even the trolls have something to offer. I feel like Henry when he walks into a library or bookstore full of books he hasn’t yet read. Unread threads mock me, they taunt me. Who knows what lulz are contained within. It’s so rewarding I keep coming back, day after day, week after week. I wouldn’t begrudge myself if I just stopped in on caturday, really I wouldn’t. But I can never stop at just caturday.

I guess I’d have thank the farkers for being so good at what they do. They never fail, they never disappoint.

I disappoint myself though. I get home and I lose myself to fark. I enjoy it, I learn, I get angry. It’s glorious, but then my night disappears, dinner hasn’t been made, dishes haven’t been done. I’ve neglected my blogs another day, another week, another month.

Though I obviously need to work on my ability to moderate my time in this regard, I’ve noticed two things.

1) This is worse in the winter, when the days are shorter and I’m less and less inclined to go outside. If it’s nice out I’ve no problem putting fark away. Even if I stay inside I have more energy, more initiative.

2) This is a downward spiral, I get less done so I get discouraged so I don’t bother to force myself to get up and do something so I don’t get anything done.

I know I’m a creature of habit. I’ve found I’ve always had the best success in changing my ways, in breaking out of ruts when I get back from an extended road trip for work. It just so happens I’m in the middle of one right now so it would be the best time to make the push. Get to bed on a regular schedule, get up earlier, get to the gym before work, better plan my meals. Read more, write more, think more, consume less.

As always, we’ll see what happens when I get back, but I have hope.


Why aren’t I out there fighting? Why aren’t I raising hell and forcing people to open their eyes? Where is the Dave so many people met all those years ago?

The answer is, quite simply, I don’t have a cohesive philosophy anymore. I used to define who I was with what I did, then with who I surrounded myself with, then I centered my life around someone. With that gone nothing major enough has stepped up to take the role so, FSM forbid, I’m going to have to decide consciously. I’ve been trying and I’ve been failing.

My day consists of being torn between a half-dozen conflicting directions and I’m no closer to picking one or two than I was months ago. If there were a way of getting a transcription of my thoughts for just this morning’s drive up to Peace River alone I could probably point to a dozen changes in direction. I’m finding this to be paralyzing.

I don’t know where I want to end up, do I want to stay a downtown dweller and live a lifestyle I dreamed of for so many years and be the proto-geek with the close social circle that manages to hack on some really cool projects? Or do I run with the idea of fucking off to the sticks, eschewing society and risking being labeled “one of those crazy tinfoil-hat wearing survivalists”, working towards a goal of self-sufficiency (which has great tie-ins with anti-globalisation, the green movement, as well the insane lifestyle hack required to run such an acreage)? Is my desire to leave the modern society due to the city I live in? Do I just need to get the fuck out of dodge? Go find somewhere less self-destructive to live the downtown proto-geek dream? Perhaps, but there are a number of shackles I’d need to cast off before I can leave, and having done that I don’t know where I’d go. I waffle between living it up now, enjoying what’s left of my twenties and really seizing what moments I can, and being as responsible and buttoned down as possible, to become financially stable and prepped to buy a house somewhere. Obviously I need to find some sort of middle ground, this isn’t an either-or problem here.

It’s pathetic, I know, but it’s easier for me to take a huge, stupid plunge when I’m doing it for someone instead of myself. That’s not to say I’m looking for someone to do something stupid for. I’m hoping living the next year on my own will help me settle on a direction. Perhaps I can find the compromise of all of the above and in doing so will arrive at my unified philosophy.

I know I already answered the question above, but with all that in mind the real answer to the question, why aren’t I fighting the good fight out there? Because I’m too broken upstairs to fight anything but myself right now. And until I’ve got that licked, until I’ve got my shit settled, who the hell am I to tell anyone else what to do?

I know this is disjointed, I started writing it last night, thought about it on the drive this morning, have and edited and deleted and inserted off and on all evening. I know I said this would take a long while to explain, it’s taken quite some time to get just the above written down. I don’t even know that this does the thought process justice, but I’m going to post anyways. I get the feeling I’m not going to get to sleep anytime soon anyways, perhaps I can get a start on part 2.

Onward and Downward!

I’m to be a downtown dweller, I’ve secured a place to call my own starting Aug 1st. August is looking to be a crazy month between moving, being arm candy for a wedding, tripping to Calgary, the PurePwnage theater release, people visiting from out of province, and in theory actual work at work.

I’m basically at a point where I just get to hurry up and wait for Friday to get here so I can do the walk through and take possession.  The stress that was getting to me earlier in the month is gone, it’s been replaced by the financial tightness that is paying for rent at two places plus damage deposit and the soon to be incurred moving costs.  For some reason that’s just not affecting my ability to sleep the way not knowing where I was going to live did.

Setting up the new apartment is going to be a challenge, I’ve taken a place with considerably less space than my previous living arrangements in an attempt to force myself to purge the excess.  I’m of the opinion that I should be able to live comfortably in 500sq ft, if I can learn to change my pack-rat ways.  I’ve got a rough floor plan in mind for how I’ll arrange things. I’m pretty sure I’m going to use the “living area” for my bed and TV and such, and put the computer desk in the “sleeping area” that’s sectioned off by a pony wall as well as the book-cases and such things.  I’m not sure where the papasan chair will fit, most likely down by the TV. Not much cabling to run either, just some cat5e to the HTPC from my desk.  I think I’m going to try my desk without the monitor cubby thing which’ll keep it feeling more open and I’ll be able to look straight over my bed out the east-facing window from my desk.  In my mind that just seems it’ll work well.

Decision on the cat is going to be no, for now.  Until the condo association in this place is up and running the current property management company is saying no pets, not a huge problem.  Existing owners already have pets so once the CA is setup more than likely they’ll be in favour of pet ownership.  By the time happens I may be ready to get a four-footed apartment despot.

On getting old (not older, just old)

Out for drinks last night for John’s birthday and as is expected, the conversation meanders.  It didn’t strike me at the time, but this morning I just realised that the following exchange (now paraphrased) is indicative of how old we are upstairs now.

“I know what you mean about keeping hardwood and laminate clean, luckily I have a great vacuum. I love my Dyson.”

“You have a Dyson? Wow Dave”

“Oh yeah, It’s fantastic.  I can pull entire cats from the carpet and it never loses suction”

Are you fucking serious?  We talk about the horrors of keeping hard floors looking clean and cooing about brands of vacuum?

Life Marches On

After having a couple weekends I can be proud of I decided it would be a good idea to get around to posting. I’ll probably bang out a few tonight, this will be the general-life rollup.

I’ve started the housing search again, hoping to find a 1 bedroom apartment for a decent price for August 1st. I’m hoping to find something that feels like I could make it my home for a year or two while I build up toward buying a house. I desperately need a place to make my own, my kitchen, my bed, my lack of furniture in the living area.  That’s not to say I haven’t enjoyed my time living with Nicole, I’m quite lucky and very greatful to have her as a friend, but I need a place that I can call home and this hasn’t really been it.

I’ve been debating getting a cat after I move but I haven’t sold myself 100% on the idea yet.  I’d need to have someone lined up to look after it (I respect it’s privacy) for when I get called away for work. Pete’s gf is alergic and wouldn’t be able to come over to visit. As amazing a cat as Earl is, sometimes I’m just not in a cat mood and don’t know that it’d be fair to do that to a cat that I’m solely responsible for. And people try to convince me I should have kids!

Work has been picking up and I feel like I’ve been doing some work I can be proud of lately. I suppose it would be prudent to blog about specific things later.

I’ve been frequenting both the EDC forums and the Zombie Squad forums the last couple months. I was really hoping to go camping this month but I’m going to have other things to do first. I’ve been building a Bug Out Bag in case the shit hits the fan, and I’m looking forward to building up a food stockpile at the new place as a dry-run for when I get my house in the sticks.

Life is marching on towards my 25th birthday.  If things continue I should be in a good headspace for that day.

A good morning indeed

I made it to the gym this morning for the first time in way too long.  My car was broken into a week and a half ago and, among other things, the fucking savages took my ipod and my gym bag.  So I put together a new gym bag last week and picked up a 2GB iPod shuffle.  Seems to work well enough, but I’m going to have to work on the music selection.

I weighed in this morning at 159lbs.  That puts me, officially, down 30 pounds on the year. I am very, very happy about this.  I haven’t felt this comfortable in my own skin in a while.  I didn’t spend much time at the gym this morning, mainly due to the fact I didn’t get my ass out of bed early enough to do anything more than a half hour on a bike, but that’s ok.  I sweat my balls off for that half hour and the shower afterwards felt fantastic.

To make the experience all that much more enjoyable, it had rained while I was in the gym so the walk to my car was smelled incredibly sweet.  And on my way to the office I saw some jackass with a Porsche boxster who’d left his top down in that rain, so smiles all around today.

Smokables Update

I enjoy the fact that I have a tobacconist. I get a kick out of walking in and being greeted by name, being able to just kill time and talk about everything smokables or everything but.

I’ve recently finished off a pack of Tatiana cigarillos with a cinnamon flavored wrapper. I quite enjoyed these little treats as the tobacco itself is unflavored, which is my preference when it comes to my rolled smokables.

I’m currently working on a pack of Neos chocolate flavored cigarellos which I can’t say as I’m enjoying quite as much.  They’re a much smaller cigarello and as such have a tendancy to burn a bit quicker and hotter.

This past weekend I also picked up a club-pack of Monte Christo cigarellos. I’ve had them before and felt like treating myself. They smoke just as wonderfully as a full on Monte Christo.

With all that said, I had my first pipe of the season about 8 days ago and I’m looking forward to the pipe season to start. I want to finish breaking in the Charatan from last season and I’m hoping to rescue my orginal Choquin Butz, but as I’m afraid it just may be too cheap to be a really nice smoker.

I’ve spent a bunch of time on lately, quite enjoying the posts there. I may even start posting soon.

Life goes on

Most of you already know this. I guess I’m writing just for the sake of keeping record. I’ve now been single for a month to the day. Carla decided she didn’t want to try any longer to make it work, and while at first I argued, it was best that I accept it.

I’ve been basically floating the last month. My shit has been apart. I think I’m finally starting to stabilize, though.  I had strep last week and ended up spending a bunch of extra time sleeping. I think that was really for the best.  I don’t usually get sick, and this hit me pretty hard. I think I needed the sleep. Hopefully I’ll start seeing people again in the coming weeks.

The only lucky thing in all this is that work has been simple enough that it hasn’t caused me any extra stress over the last month.

I don’t really think I’m going to say much else about this here. I think it’s time I just focus on moving forward.